


How To Save A Life

by gloriousdae



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: James is confused, M/M, Thomas kills himself, how to save a life, i also need to learn how to tag, i also suck at first person, i can't write happy, i need Jesus and I'm atheist, i shouldn't be allowed to listen to the fray, i suck at writing James, poor James just wanted to help, theres obvious suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-06 01:44:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10322675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloriousdae/pseuds/gloriousdae
Summary: Thomas has been becoming more and more depressed, he's beginning to worry James.James really does think of the worst situation, his friend leaves him forever. He can't believe it when his worst nightmare comes true. He goes through their last day together, Thomas' last day, trying to figure out where he went wrong, he can't find it.I recommend listening to the song How To Save A Life by The Fray before reading this, or while reading this, while writing it I've had the song on repeat, its influencing the story greatly.





	1. Step One

**Author's Note:**

> Step one, you say we need to talk  
>  He walks, you say sit down; it's just a talk   
> He smiles politely back at you   
> You stare politely right on through  
>  Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right   
> Between the lines of fear and blame   
> You begin to wonder why you came  
> Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend  
> Somewhere along in the bitterness,  
> and  
> I would have stayed up with you all night  
> Had I known how to save a life

James took a deep breath, he knew that he needed to talk to Thomas, he knew very well that things had gotten passed James just referencing things and hoping everything would get better. He had spent the last day going through different ways he could start talking to Thomas, but now his mind was blank on every hypothetical conversation he had planned out.  
James sighed, hitting the call button on his phone, only one thought going through his head: _step one, I say we need to talk_. He just kept reminding himself to take this one step at a time, not to overwhelm Thomas, that was the last thing he needed.  
"Hello?" Thomas' voice asks through the phone, James sighed for a second time, this time of relief, he had sat through six rings before he heard his best friend's voice, that was five more than usual.  
James was quiet for a second, thinking, trying to remember the many ways he could tell Thomas they needed to talk, his mind was still blank, painfully blank. "Thomas, we need to talk." He finally says, speaking much quicker than he thought he could.  
"Talk? About what?" Thomas asks, James knew he was confused, he could tell just by his tone he'd have that confused look he always got, it was usually quite the adorable look, but right now James wasn't thinking about that, it wasn't the appropriate time to think about that.  
"I... we just need to talk about somethings, I'll tell you when I see you." James says, he almost stuttered, almost, but he managed to catch himself, he knew stuttering would cause Thomas to get suspicious, or maybe even worried, that was also something he didn't need. "I'll be over in ten minutes, alright, Tommy?"  
"Alright, but don't call me that." Thomas says, and than there was a long tone, Thomas had hung up.  
Ten minutes later, as promised, James pulled into Thomas' drive way, getting out of the car and than going into the house, not bothering to knock, he didn't need to anymore, he had stopped knocking before coming into the house years ago, he couldn't even remember the last time he knocked before coming in.  
"What'd you need to talk about?" Thomas asks when he saw James come into the kitchen,  
"A lot of things, let's just go to the living room, alright?" James asks, beginning to go into said room, sitting in one of the chairs,  
"James, you're worrying me." Thomas says simply, following him into the living room, although he didn't sit down anywhere.  
_I_ _can't_ _be_ _worrying_ _you_ _as_ _much_ _as_ _you're_ _worrying_ _me_.  
"It's alright, sit down, it's just a talk, I promise, nothing bad, actually the opposite." James says, forcing a smile as Thomas sat on the couch.  
Thomas smiled at James, it was a small, polite, innocent, real, smile, and it honestly hurt James, he didn't know why.  
James stared at Thomas for a few moments, trying to figure out where to start. He glanced around the room, taking it all in, there was a large window to his right, the one Thomas always kept the curtain on because outside it was one of Martha's flower boxes. Some of the late afternoon light did manage to get through the dark purple curtains, making white lines on the white, yet dark, carpet.  
Thomas' head tilted to the left, well, his left, James noted, it was toward the right for him.  
"I don't know where to start, there's a lot I want to say, there's a lot to what I want to say." James finally said, his voice quiet, but not enough to be a whisper.  
"What'd you mean?" Thomas asks simply, that adorable confused relook taking over his face.  
James went silent again. He was scared to speak, to say what he knew was wrong. He was honestly terrified that Thomas would get upset. He just wanted to let him know how much he cared about him. But he couldn't get his words out, he couldn't figure out what he wanted to say.  
James was quickly growing frustrated with himself as the minutes went by, he blamed himself slightly for Thomas being this far gone.  
Why did he even come? That thought raced through his mind, causing him to grow more frustrated. He just wanted to help Thomas. That's all James wanted. But he couldn't even get those words out. So they sat on a silence. The kind of silence hurt your ears.

_Where did I go wrong? Thomas is gone. Why didn't I try harder? I would've done anything for him and now I can't. How did I let him do it? How did he get past me? I would've stayed with him that night, stayed up for hours, for days, if it meant he lived to see the sun. If it meant he would've lived. How did I let my own bitterness towards how he treated himself get in the way of saving him. Had I known... had I known he was going to do it... had I known how to save his life._


	2. After All You Do Know Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let him know that you know best   
> ‘Cause after all, you do know best   
> Try to slip past his defense   
> Without granting innocence  
>  Lay down a list of what is wrong  
>  The things you've told him all along   
> And pray to God he hears you   
> And pray to God he hears you
> 
> Where did I go wrong?  
> I lost a friend  
> Somewhere along in the bitterness,  
> and  
> I would have stayed up with you all night  
> Had I known how to save a life

_Step two: let him know that I know best, after all, I do know best. Right?_  
James wanted to break the piercing silence, he honestly did, but he couldn't figure out how to. He always knew, until now.  
James looked around the room, noticing a few things off with the atmosphere (excluding the obvious silence). For one, the table lamps weren't on, Thomas usually always had them on. For two, there was a third book on the coffee table, usually Thomas kept two there (a book on France James got him, and one on general law and politics), the new addition was something in Spanish or French, or maybe even Italian, James kept reminding himself to try and pick up those languages, but he just couldn't do it. The third, and most worrying thing, that James noticed was an all too familiar scent of something alcoholic, Thomas had been sober for almost nine years now, there didn't seem to be anything with alcohol in the kitchen the short moment he was in there, and the scent definitely wasn't just rubbing alcohol used for wounds. And than a fourth thing, it wasn't a big change, but the coffee table had actually moved slightly closer to the couch.  
James let out a sigh, he couldn't just address it head on, Thomas would get angry, he'd get so very angry. James began to think quickly, starring at the foreign book as he thought.  
"It's a Spanish to Italian dictionary, Jimmy, nothing too special." Thomas says, breaking the nearly invincible silence.  
"Ah, that's why I couldn't figure it out, you've got me tricked." James says with a small smile, looking up at Thomas now,  
"If it helps, which I know it won't, it's from a French publisher." Thomas says with a soft laugh, James simply nodded.  
It was amazing to James, how easily Thomas took on languages, how many he knew, it had to be over ten by now, maybe not all fluently, but he could have a simple conversation in at least ten. No, at least fifteen, ever since he was in Russia and couldn't be understood at all, he had made it his goal to be able to speak a small portion of every language he could, he knew simple greetings in countless languages, it amazed James.  
"Thomas, are you going to listen? Because I have a lot to say." James says quietly, his eyes back on the dictionary.  
Thomas nods, "of course, I always do." He says simply, James could hear the confused expression, he couldn't look up to it.  
"You've been doing great, you really have. I'm really proud of how well you've done, not drinking, not hurting yourself anymore. But you've been acting... you've been acting in some ways that really worry me." James paused, he was talking so quietly he could barley hear himself. He had to be louder if he wanted to get any sort of point across. He cleared his throat, which caused him to cough, quickly he brought his elbow to his face to cover the cough, than he relaxed his arms again (as much as he could relax). He looked up to Thomas, who looked unusually unfazed by his coughing, in a normal situation he'd look worried, start asking a thousand questions about James' health. But now Thomas had a blank expression, his eyes on the dictionary. "It really isn't anything new, in a way, it's similar behavior to how you acted when you lived in Paris, or after Martha died, you know I notice most everything about you, right? And about your life. Like the table, it's closer to you than it is to me, usually you have it in the exact middle. And the lights, they aren't on, they always are, unless something is wrong, and then there's the third book, you're always very particular on only having two books, even if you're reading in here you'd put the book on an end table or away." James says, than he noticed a fifth thing, there were less photographs, he couldn't say exactly how many were missing, but he knew very well a few were. Most notably one of James, Martha, and Thomas a little after Thomas and Martha got engaged, one of Thomas and his siblings, there were a few others, ones of his children and sisters, that seemed to be gone, but he didn't remember how many. These photos were throughout the room, on the wall, on the tables, and a little table mat under the books on the coffee table, that one was of all his kids as newborns, it was one of the sweetest ones. The other really sweet one was of Thomas and Marta on their wedding day kissing, and Thomas had requested James be in the shot, so he was awkwardly standing beside Thomas with his hands behind his back, James thought that one really summed up what their relationship was. "And some photos, are gone as well." He adds on, he was hoping for an explanation to all his claims, he paused for a minute, he watched the clock, it was a minute exactly, Thomas said nothing, he continued on. "You're house also has a really distinct smell, I could never describe it, but it's the same smell all your clothing has, it's you, really, but about nine years ago, you changed that a bit. You stopped drinking, that cut out the smell of alcohol, but I can clearly smell alcohol, even if you had just a little, it could hurt you. If you were to have too much, you could hurt you. Need I remind you what happened last time you drank too much?" James paused again, counted to ninety, than continued on. "Thomas, I can't do it again, I can't see you hurt yourself like that again, it was horrifying. You know that thought, the memories, of that night will cross my mind, and I'll have to stop whatever I'm doing to calm myself. The only reason we're able to even have this conversation is because I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream about your funeral, and I was scared, that you had done something, that's why I didn't bother calling, because I knew it'd be quicker, easier, to just be over."  
Thomas was still silent, he had barley moved, only blinking, shifting in his place slightly. James just wanted Thomas to hear him. He just wanted him to listen.

_It doesn't make sense. Where did I go wrong? I did everything I could to try and help him. I tried so hard. I tried to save him. But I didn't try hard enough, clearly I didn't try hard enough. How did I let him do it? I could've saved him. He made it so it was slow. He probably wanted me to save him. But I didn't. I decided to leave him alone for the night. Now he's gone. I could've saved him. I could've called an ambulance. I should've called an ambulance. Now he's gone. Oh god. He's really gone. What am I going to do anymore, without him... without him._


End file.
